Wednesday, March 25, 2009

On Sunglasses

I have diagnosed myself with a moderate-to-moderate case of "Photophobia." Which, according to my vast research (Wikipedia) and medical experience (WebMD) means that I'm either part vampire, or I have slight damage to my Oculomotor nerves.

Basically, when it's bright, my eyes hurt. Probably sounds like common sense to most (doesn't everyone's?) But for me, when it's even semi-bright my eyes try to commit ocular-suicide via hari-kari.

Fortunately, God has invented a solution: "Sunglasses."

The problem with sunglasses is that no matter who you are, no matter the style, brand or quality of sunglass, anyone who wears them looks like a jerk. Millions of sensible citizens have been unfairly prejudged in the hundreds of years since the invention of sunglasses.

Maybe it makes sense that the blooddrunk tyrant, Nero, was one of the pioneers of wearing them. After all, burning Christians is difficult in the bright Italian sun. Also, turns out Hitler was a big fan.

Bottom line, please accept my psycho-biological excuse for looking like a jerk.


Matches Malone said...

Here's the deal: you have to train your eyes to get used to the sun. It sucks, but you have to do it...OR wear sunglasses all the time. I purposely ONLY wear sunglasses in my car for this reason.

I hate the universe.

Matches Malone

Kristin said...

Well at least you've finally ruled out the tumor idea...what progress!

I'm also laughing at what horrible keywords you probably typed into google images to find that tool.

The Passerby said...

......maybe thats why everyone gives me dirty looks in class and church and on romantic late night dates. its cuz im wearing my sunglasses isn't it? *forehead to wall* dangit.