Monday, August 28, 2006

the warm red hate dripped from my lip as she pulled away.

"i cant do this anymore" she said, "i mean, i wont"

It's crazy to think that we've made it this far alone, i mean just us, i mean just me, what do i mean?

"you're going crazy, sean"

Is she talking anymore? I though only of the dripping, and the kinds of shoes she was wearing. She never wore those shoes anymore, but i think they compliment her pants well.

"Jesus, look at me"
At this point i was completely out of the conversation, sitcoms i barely watched were registering more this.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

home is nowhere now.

I'm growing to understand that home is not a physical place, but a place with outstretched arms and smiling eyes that close when you kiss. Home is where you want to be warm.

It's hard when you don't really feel like home exists anymore. The place I grew up has grown up without me, leaving me to float awkwardly like a ping pong ball in a blow-test tube.

Home exists, but I can't find it.

We (I) live in an awkward period of time, where it seems like we are always transitivity. This job to that job, this future to that future, this person to the next, years of constant movement. These years of instabilty are causing us to distrust the stable, grounded lives available to us. We are so used to constant fluidity, that we can't really appreciate the steadfast. We get bored with people, bored with jobs, bored with daydreamed futures. It's crazy and I hope it ends soon.

I just want to be content.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

a new day for an old me

A new day for an old me. First day at a new job brings back years of compound insecurities. Hopeful
hopefully waiting for something to be made to happen.
I have to make things happen this time. 23 is far too old to depend on others. I want to type the most dramatic sentence available to me. But

its gone it looks like its all gone.

i still think about her. Is it hindsight or mindsight thats doing it this time. Am i making things better than they were? Or am i worse than i was?

Rhetorical \\one sidedconversation

that looks cool.

i love you God